trashed out

September of 2008

2009-08-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

The gentle noise of September breeze welcomes the sandman of metallica's tempo and rhythm. As the night dives down to the deepest sea, lovers swim under the cold sheet of evening. Single souls rest in their minds of dreams and wished to wake up making it a reality.

Di na mababawi by spong cola

2009-01-19T19:27:00.000-08:00

Di Na Mababawi - Sponge Cola

Ngayo'y aking inuunawang pilit
Mga pagkukulang kong iyong ginigiit
Sana'y malaman mo na tanging ikaw lamang
Ang aking iniintindi

Nakatanim pa sa'king ala-ala
Pangako mong mananatili ka
Kaya't paglisan mo'y naiwan ang pusong ito
Na ngayo'y bitin na bitin

Chorus:

'Di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako 'yong pinaasa?

Nasa aking guniguni malamig mong tinig
Kasabay ng hanging na dumarampi
Na para bang ika'y nariyan sa aking paligid
Tahimik na nagmamasid

*Repeat Chorus

Nahulog na'ng mga ulap, buwan at araw, mga bituwin
Ang ginugol na panaho'y na saan? (panaho'y na saan)
'Di ba't sayang naman? (Di ba't sayang naman)
Giliw yeah yeah yeah yeah

Ngunit di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako 'yong pinaasa?
Bakit nga ba ako 'yong pinaasa?

Liham

2009-01-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

You take care of yourself. Less smoking, please. Less snoring. Watch your sugar level. Eat healthy. Pray. Less worries, we’ll be alright here. Celebrate your up coming birthday with fun.

Tomorrow is your flight to Manila. Only God knows kung babalik ka pa dito.

Dad, I thank God and every living creature living here on Earth that you’re my father. Joreen once told me, “Lei, you’re lucky you have a great father”, and since the day I learned how to think, I knew how great you are dad. I thank you for providing our needs and wants in any way you can.

Mornings won’t be the same without you in the kitchen table with your coffee and you staring blankly somewhere. Evenings won’t be the same without you cooking or nagsusugba. We’ll miss your menu. My every day won’t be the same without you asking “How’s my baby?”, and smelling the top of my head when you got a chance or sniffing my underarms. I will always be your eldest baby girl dad.

I love you ‘till the end of time.

Love lots,
Leann
xoxo

One-Way Ticket

2009-01-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

12 noon… a time where I should stop dreaming.. 12 noon, I came out from my sauna bedroom. In the kitchen, Daddy had his back from the dinning table, while Mom was sitting and had just finished her lunch – adobo and rice, and a tearful eyes above her plate. Yes, she was crying and I didn’t mind asking what those tears are for because I already know. Daddy is bound for Manila tomorrow at 1455 hours and only God knows if he’s still coming back here in Cotabato or he’s heading for the longest days my mom will ever have.

4 Kubs

2009-01-15T04:50:00.000-08:00

You’re given choices and freedom in exchange for your heart and you gladly trade –happily- you walk away with a smile on your lips and a skip on your step, then what? You sit at home, thinking, perusing your decisions, wasting away like the rotten handles in your great-grandma’s coco wood staircase. Is it love? Is it pain? Is it you? Is it real?

Written by my friend, Jed... Thanks Kubs...

sent through text message: January 7, 2009 @ 12:53am

You were just another dead end

2009-01-15T04:47:00.000-08:00

There in a road most traveled by humans,
asphalt smoothened the pavement of gladness and sadness.
A brave, young, stupid masochist
took a wrong right turn in one alley of uncertainty.
Darkness welcomes the ride.
Unsure of what is ahead,
and malfunction of high front lights elated the alley’s unknown future.
In a hurry to meet what that street brings –
“an intersection most probably”.
Confident and sure of it’s ending,
surprisingly and unexpectedly, it’s a dead end.

Originally written:
January 7, 2009 @ 1:10am

Tears, weep thy sorrow!

2009-01-15T04:41:00.000-08:00

A glitter of sodium-based liquor
pulled by gravity of an unexpected sorrow,
mercilessly freed itself
from the tunnel of a beautiful soul.
Black grasses made of heaven and hell
met and intertwined to cease the gush of melted pearls.
As it free flows down to the stream of love’s death,
I stand at the cliff of temptation
and halted my grievous lava of tears,
then watched her drenched herself
with blood of karma for her lover.

Originally written:
January 6, 2009 @ 10:30 pm

Broken Amity

2008-09-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

I looked back to the years of loneliness
Then I realized I can count the days of blissfulness.
This moment I promised to keep away
From the affection that wanted to stay.

Now that I'm fine, now that I'm good,
You came without a warning mode.
I ignored you once, twice then three times
Or maybe I should take this crazy chance?

Countless thoughts of taking a risk
I might end up bleeding in a brisk.
I was never wrong in the thought of bleeding,
So you think I'll just watch you leaving?

I don't want to take you then walk in a wire,
But this heavenly rage is spreading like a wild fire.
It's not the end; the story has not been written yet.
I'll carry you through the wire, and put your amity into a bet.

9/15/2008

Dinner for Two

2008-09-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

White cloth, maroon on top.

Three candles with a golden stand.

A bouquet of lilies and daisies at the center.

Two glasses of wine and a half full bottle behind.

A cup of rice; cut the steak with a knife.

Brownie a la mode with vanilla ice cream on top.

Violin, banjo, and six-string guitar.

Singing to the melody of the night.

Dancing to the beat of my heart.

Perfect moment for a serene evening.

A dinner for two, exclusively for you,

But then not with me.

ADVENTURE 101: Places I’ve Never Been Before

2008-07-24T03:17:00.000-07:00

My first week in CFSI, being in four municipalities, and interacting with children who lives there and also some locals, a lot of realization came up to my mind. Almost everything is rumbling and puzzling in my head.

We’ve been to different municipalities in Maguindanao Province. I’ve never been to these places in my entire life, though I’m familiar to some municipalities because I’ve heard their places before, especially in the news. Most of these places were battlefields about 8-10 years ago. The scenery opened up my mind more. I don’t know if I should pity them or think that I am lucky, or think of them as an inspiration. I really don’t know. I’ve seen a lot, and I mean a lot…

“I see trees of green, red roses too.”
Bumpy roads. Good for 4x4 Off Roads competitions.
5 minutes before we arrived in one district 2 people were killed.
Rebels (MILF) are visible.
Sitting beside a rebel and his M16 riffle.
People are carrying guns.
Political posters are everywhere.
Half cemented road.
One-fourth cemented road.
Durian, Lansones, Rambotan, Marang Trees are everywhere.
Children go to school without slippers.
Schools with no flooring.
Teacher-student ratio, 1:200
Students on the floor due to lack of chairs.
One school, one classroom with three different uniforms.
A 37 year old woman in 4^th grade.
Two 21 years old males in 3^rd grade.
8 hours for teachers, half of the day are for female elementary pupils and male in the afternoon.
Schools with no classrooms.
Improvised classrooms.
Classes are held in the school stage.
3^rd grade and 4^th grade class are merged.
Schools located at the top of the mountain.
Schools located at the middle of the cornfield.
Schools located at the middle of nowhere.
Community existing in the place where you less expected.
Elementary students have to cross 3 rivers just to go to school.
Students taking a bath in the flood before going to school.
They have the mountains and rivers as their playground.
Many are absent because it’s harvest time, they baby-sit their younger siblings.
Many are absent because it rained last night, they cannot cross the rivers because of strong current.
One student: 3 years in 1^st grade.
Horses at the school yard.
Carabaos at the school yard.
Cows at the school yard.
Chicken at the school yard. (Schools became farms)
Teachers can dismiss their class whenever they like to.
Cross the bridge that’s made out of coconut tree trunks.
Carabaos underneath the improvised bridge.

More photos on my mulitply account.
CFSI (Community and Family Services International)

Sadistic Cupid

2008-07-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

Cupid… Cupid… Cupid… A sharp-shooter cherubim. He always hits the bull’s eye and not a single arrow goes to waste. I took a deep breath and he released his first arrow. Bang! Bull’s eye! Right in the middle of my heart. A sharp-stabbing pain into my chest and out onto my back. Again, one deep breath. Another pain. His arrow stayed in my chest for a while, then I pulled it out. Now I went to bed to find serenity. Without a warning, Cupid is slowly pulling the sling. With one big sigh, he let go. Pain! I crippled, grasp for air, one risky deep breath, sharp-stabbing pain again. I placed my hands on top of my heart to shield it from another surprise of Cupid. I tried to protect it from him, but as I do, he knocks it with a jackhammer. He pounded it and pounded it as hard as he could. Once more, I tried to battle his brutality. The way he pounds it, it’s as if I could hear my heart beats. Without any reason, that seraph of love will just stop and leave. Then, he will wait for another moment to release an arrow and swing his jackhammer. Cupid… I know you’ll never stop. *deep sigh* Ouch! There he goes again.

PS: It’s the feeling of having a heart defect. (Mitral Valve Prolapse)

Genius of Photography, every sunday night, 10pm(Phil. time), Nat'l Geographic Channel

2008-06-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

I’m starting to Photoshop again, this time, less artistic editing but more dramas (simple edits). What I did to the photos was to give more meaning and let people think what I’m trying to say. And single photograph can deliver a lot of things and speak to the viewer depending on his/her ambiance. The captions that I had, in my myspace.com account, it is what I think the photo means. As one certain person said, “A photograph is a secret about a secret, the more it tells you the less you know.” As a spectator, you can have your own caption. Maybe you can comment it to me and probably I’ll change my caption and acknowledge you.

Some photos were taken by me, Jed, Cyril, Tew, and Icon – as far as I can remember. I can’t remember which photo. But thanks guys.

PS: the photos are in my Myspace account. here's the link
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=346292978&albumId=767147

What a Shitty day

2008-06-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

1. I woke up around 2pm and wondering why it is still dark. I thought it was 5 in the morning and thinking my watch’s fucked up. Then I checked my cellphone, it’s 2:35pm. I was supposed to wake up around 6am to watch the parade. And shit, I didn’t hear my alarm again.

2. It’s raining hard outside. I had plans for the day and it’s all messed up because of the rain. I was supposed to go to my grandparents’ house to pay a visit. Then drop by to a friend’s house. The rain is non stop. It rested for about less than 5 minutes then pour again. Rainy days make me sleepy and depress especially when I’m stuck in my house.

3. How would you feel when you’re asking someone and you got no reply. As if she/he didn’t hear a thing. Now, there’s an issue about that inside this house. Me and my mom were talking about something, we were okay at that time. Few hours later, I asked her permission if I could go with my friends outside the city. I didn’t get any reaction. As if I was talking to the wall and as if she didn’t hear anything. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to stay long here in Cotabato. My mom and I fought a lot. We just have nothing in common.

I’m gonna grab a coffee. It’s cold.

Porcelain Doll

2008-06-19T02:59:00.000-07:00

Dusk on the fifth

In a crowded place,

There stood a porcelain doll

Covered with innocence and kindness.

That naïve face

Washed everybody else.

My eyes took no blink

From that glowing angel.

Those deep black eyes

Brought me to my knees,

Sweet harmonic voice

Made me fall asleep.

Dirty white uniforms on June

2008-06-19T02:42:00.000-07:00

I just got home from Davao City. We left Cotabato City yesterday morning, around 6:30. Leng-leng invited me and Chao to come along with them, and besides, it was Joreen’s 22^nd birthday. Dinner… margarita and beers at Whistle top… then home.

On our way back to Cotabato, upon entering Kabacan, North Cotabato, it rained. June is a rainy season here in the Philippines. At this very moment, the rain is pouring hard. It’s like we’re having a storm. Rainy Junes remind me of how dirty my white uniform in college was. In Ateneo de Davao University, where I went for my college, the girls wear an all-white uniform, and a blue ribbon on the collar. Other than that blue ribbon, you can also see different colors under the blouse of our uniform (you know what I mean). Every time I went to school, I rode jeepneys. It’s cheaper than taxis, even when it’s raining. When got in my classroom, the lower back of my “below the knee” skirt was full of mud. Yucks! I was thinking I got from the jeepney’s floor or while walking to the building. Even how careful I am while riding and going down from the jeep or while walking, my skirt is still muddy. That’s what I hate when I wear our white uniforms. It gets dirty easily. Good thing I’m done with that uniform, though I still need to wear white uniforms because of my profession. This time, I’ll try to be very careful while walking or riding jeepneys.

Paper Boat

2008-06-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

I can still remember that Jed and I were playing paper boat whenever it rains, of course, when we still kids. An event that will always be there.

The Mercy ship tattooed itself to our lives. I was hard for us to say goodbye to our newfound friends. A friendship that formed inside a ship and “physical friendship” that lasted for more than a week. The “hey”, “wazzup?”, “how are you doing?” are the common phrases you’ll hear in the hallways, stairs, and even in the galley. The warm smiles and friendly shake hands, I’ll miss those.

Our last 48 hours in the ship, we tried to make memorable, not only for us but also for the navy. We taught them how to play unggou-unggoyan (monkey-monkey). The lipstick on our faces, that was funny. Rob, Tito, Jesse and the other guys who watched us play enjoyed laughing at us. Then we also taught them how to play tamaan bola and patintero (hands formation), and heart attacked too. We also brought something home, the card games that they taught us. We may forget how to play those card games but what we brought with us that we will never forget, is the friendship, the smiles, the simple hi’s and hellos of the people inside the ship, whether we know them personally or not.

Thanks for the warm welcome and the friendship guys. We’ll miss you. And hope to see you soon.

xoxo

One Great Adventure

2008-06-15T11:01:00.001-07:00

Aboard! Up in the ship, finally!

My dad woke me up around 5am! I think at that time I just closed my eyes! I’m not in deep sleep yet. I guess they were the one who is excited. Anyway, I stood up right away because I don’t want my dad to drag me down and bring me to the shower. I ate my breakfast – corned beef and hotdog and fried rice and coffee (yummy!).

We left the house pass 7am. My dad took me to the DOH. “The early bird award goes to. . . . ME”. An hour later, the other interpreters arrived. We waited there for about 2 hours. The DOH’s driver drove us to Polloc. It was only a 30-minute ride from the city, then another 10 minutes from the port to the ship. Before heading to the ship, they took x-ray of my “healthy” lungs.

We met up with Rob, the coordinator to the interpreters, toured us around the ship. Rob introduced John Hensley and Tommy Short. They asked who will do night shift, since I am a night person, I volunteered myself. Just imagine, I am already up by 5 in the morning and will work nights, not just a night shift, a 12-hours night shift. I’m used to night shifts but only 8 hours, from 11pm until 7am. I was assigned in ICU, and I’m expecting a toxic patients, but it’s way far from the patients in the ICU that I have encountered when I was still in college. During college, my duty group was always put in the Surgery ICU, so the patients there are deadly - hourly vital signs, which we do it manually. Unlike in the ICU in the ship, they all have monitors; they just have to copy what’s on the screen. I met a lot of people in ICU, there’s Jinn, Eric, Cormier, Lt. Armstrong, McKenna, and I forgot the name of the others. They were nice. They treated me good and fed me some information regarding medical stuff. Even Cormier taught me how to insert an IV and withdraw a blood. Because here in the Philippines you have to a an IV therapist before you can insert an IV. You have to undergo and IV training seminar and complete a certain number of insertions. And for the blood withdrawal, the medical technologist do that thing, not nurses. I practiced on Eric and Cormier’s forearm. Thanks guys!

I was supposed to be in the ship for 6 days only, but I stayed there for 9 days. During my 9 days stay, I only went ashore once. That’s on the 4^th of June, and went back the following day. That 9 days, I work nights in the ICU, but since there are times that we don’t have patients in the ICU, I went down to Ward 1 to stay with my friends. Charren was in Ward 1 for 2 days, Meds then Jed. Sometimes night shift can be bored too. Good thing my long time friends were there, Jed and Meds (Leng-leng). There’s also Jay-jay, Chao and Omeng

FYI: Jed is my next-door neighbor since we were 6 or 7 years old. And Leng-leng and Caho, we’ve known each other since we were in kindergarten. I met Jay-jay and Omeng during high school. This adventure is the greatest because I had the opportunity to share it with them

How I wish we could have stayed a little longer in the ship or we could come with them to Manila. Hehehe

Unattended orientation

2008-06-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

US Naval Hospital Ship MERCY arrived in Polloc, Parang, Maguindanao last May 29 or the 30^th. I was not supposed to be in that ship because I didn’t attend the orientation. However, with my mom’s power, I got my name on the list just in time.

It was the 26^th of May that my friend, Omeng, mentioned that she’s headed for Cotabato City that day for some sort of an orientation. Something related to a Navy ship, which I wasn’t aware of at that time. The following day, I texted my mom and dad to ask if they know something about it. Mommy called the Department of Health as ask. On the morning of 28^th, I was still asleep, mom called me to inform me that I got on the list of the interpreters. Then I decided to go to Cotabato City the following day. It was a 4-hour trip from Davao City to Cotabato City. I left Davao city around 7:00 in the morning and arrived at Cotabato around 11am. I went immediately to the Dept. of Health. Talked to Kuya Jet and I’m done.

My schedule was night shift of June 2, 3, and 5, then morning shift of 9, 10, and 11.

3 in 1

2008-06-15T10:59:00.001-07:00

Beauty…Is what the great ball of fire beings over the horizon. It’s a romantic moment of the day’s welcome for two happy lovers. Another “second” chances for a misery end of broken yesterdays. As the rays of light brighten the lost hopes of hopefuls. . . My dried eyes brought me to this darkness and sedated my body to rest, before I can feel the heat, before the fearless sun light me up like a human torch!

The eyes lit like fire in the prison of darkness, the wind brought nothing but silence. Memories of self have forgotten, thoughts of you have been erased. Then, a flash of light awaken me! There, I just knew, I just can’t sleep.

Three days of waiting, few more hours of hoping. I wonder what went wrong. I think I’ve been cheating for too long. The clock ticks fast, and I don’t know when it’ll last. Four-fifteen in the afternoon to be exact, the death penalty of my one-day unlitext.

2/29/2008

First Dance

2008-06-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

It was not a prom night nor acquaintance ball
Or a graduation dance in a convention hall
It could be a birthday bash or a party
But not a soiree after facing the sanctuary

In this vast room I lean on one corner
Watching you as if I was your stalker
Few love songs played on my senses
Wish I could dance in your presence

You were there with friends full of laughter
How I wish I could fast-forward to the fifth of September
I imagined that day as special as it can be
And ask you this question, “Would you dance with me?”

9/12/2007

Just in Silence

2008-06-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

As twilight comes between us
Bright scene of yours darkens
Surrounded by greens and crypt
Darkened entity is all that I see
Sat beside his grave, you stand on his
A perfect view of the past
Made the nightfall bloom
Melting stare I threw upon you
Across graveyard’s cemented road
You reverberated an “arthraic” smile
A silence of confusion surrounds me
Then in silence I speak to you
And in this silence…
… I’ll keep on loving you

7/2/2007

Oblivion

2008-06-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

One night, before I wake up to face reality
Misery brought me through the night’s influx
I welcomed the sun’s adieu with sorrow
Bid farewell to night’s darkness with sadness
Hoping the sun’s light would awaken me
But dark clouds filled this ambiance of hope
Sadly, I wouldn’t probably see the sun shines
The day is almost over, wish I could be too

One afternoon of week’s ending
An afternoon of gloominess and misery
One whole life filled with melancholy
A heart that beats with hope…
… tainted with oblivion

7/1/2007

Drowning in Love? Or in Pain?

2008-06-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

During my sleepless nights,

‘twas every night

Blank visions filled my head

…

Outside the pouring rain of sorrow
I lay myself down on the crossroad
Star gazing at the dark sky
With no sight of a single brightness
I searched for you my own star
For you lighten my saddened affection
As the rain persist to fall on me
I dried myself up with torment
And thirst with your love and devotion
I hunger ‘til death for your touch
I seek for a lagoon of water and wine
I take you with me to drenched ourselves
And allow you to drown me in pain

7/1/2007

Move on

2008-06-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

It’s exactly 00:30 and I’m craving for the bitter-sweet taste of my Friday night water. I’m referring to the taste of alcohol, and coffee for my Friday-late-night-meal dessert. Unfortunately, one month of being alcohol-free, my brain cells haven’t risen from the dead yet. They are supposed to be zombified after a week of being clean. Consequently, I’m burning my ass on this chair, straining my eyes on the computer screen, and meditating for my brain cells’ salvation.

As of now, I can think of nothing but two people who engraved an art on my “mind”. You know what I mean by “mind”. These two beings are my left and right. You might be wondering what does that mean. Call me asshole, tarantado, or anything that suits it. Yes, “left and right” is similar to “two timing”. But before you react, there’s no commitment between me and left, and me and right. Nowadays, with that kind of relationship we call it “fling”. Our status is we’re friends, a little bit higher but not to the extent of “friends with benefits”. It’s hard to explain. In our dialect it’s somewhat nagsasama dahil may pinagsamahan. Or simply there’s something “special”.

These two souls are not just “left and right”. They’re “Fire and Brimstone”. Fire and brimstone is another term for “hell”. I read it once or twice in a thesaurus before. Why fire and brimstone? Both of them burned my emotions like hell. But I’ve been through hell before I met them. It hurts though.

Fire: it’s because of the attitude. It’s somewhere between friendliness and lower than hostile.

Brimstone: this soul’s identity is in this word.

Both of them always belong to someone else… I had them so many times but some how I want more…

Why am I writing something about this two? Move-on daw beh!

6/29/2007

Again

2008-06-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

I know today that I’m leaving again

One more bus ride to keep me insane

Another few more months to be away

Wanting to be back as early as today

Leaving you is what I hate

Number two is always the date.

6/26/2007

Fire and Brimstone

2008-06-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

It was that one night of sweet November
Under the drizzle on that two-way street,
Parked with cars and nocturnal boozers;
And surrounded by blinded friends.
Drunk under the domination of your presence,
Thrilled by the static that we created;
And by the warmth and coldness of your rind.
As I mock with this arid and ashen lips,
As you smile and mirth with a taunt
Maw of humor thirsts for graze and touch.
Drunken mentality and missing thoughts
Your bemused stare and hypnotic grasp,
My hardened heart and pessimistic mind
Turned into frail focal point and sanguine mind
My arid and ashen maw of humor,
Gave in to your spellbinding entreat.

It was that one night of summer’s May
Under the end of the lengthy Scotch mist.
Privately somewhere around town
Two-way streets and a few intersections;
Emptied with cars and quiescent dwellers.
Besieged by the reality of your presence,
Elated by the touch of your hand on mine.
Silence filled this maw of humor;
Thoughts of imagination vanished swiftly.
My sensible mindset and tranquil state of mind
Your delicate voice and perplexed stare
Attempted to read this non sense silence of mine
Under the coldness of the night breeze
Words you speak I cannot hear but I understand
With your warm touch and eyes that I love to gaze
I gave in to your spellbinding intrepid act.

Two nights, under the fine rain
Along the two-way streets of the city
Drunk and thrilled; besieged and elated
By the presence of two beings
One night of sweet November
One night of summer’s May
A spellbinding entreat and intrepid act
A haunting memories that I, alone can haunt

6/19/2007

I can’t play the piano

2008-06-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Black old piano

Weinstein and Sons

52 white keys and 36 black

3 pedals underneath

Do re mi fa sol la ti do

Do ti la so fa mi re do

Chord C, do mi sol

Chord D, re #fa la

Chord E, mi #sol ti

Chord F, fa la do

Chord G, sol ti re

Chord A, la #do mi

Chord B, ti #re #fa

Song book with 89 songs

German, American, British,

Scottish, French, Spanish,

Swiss, Neapolitan, Irish,

Mexican, Russian, Polish,

Australian, Indonesian,

and Malaysian folk songs.

Along came Beethoven,

Mozart, Vivaldi, and Chopin.

Piano sonatas, and recital pieces.

Their music I tried to play.

I write and play my own songs.

What the hell am I saying?

I can’t even read a note.

6/15/2007

Irony Of My Affection

2008-06-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I’m in my deepest sorrow.
I won’t probably see you tomorrow.
Sad love songs resounds my ear;
Accentuate my feelings throughout the year.
Reminiscing the memoirs we had
I should say it was terribly sad.
When I close my eyes tonight
A glimpse of your face is so bright.
Ironically you should be in the dark
Cause in my heart you left a mournful mark.
Your look ensnares my fragile mind
But I’ll stare and wait until you fall behind.
Your tender lips I once brushed with mine;
Forgotten kisses could be a sign.
I can feel that soft hand on my palm
But it was cold, it was never warm.
With your sweet gentle embrace
Holds me back but I still won the race.
I can sense your warm breath on my ear
But your “I love you’s” I could never hear.
I hate you now but I love you later
My affection is sweet and bitter.
Tonight, I’m in my deepest sorrow.
I hope to see you in days that follow tomorrow.

6/14/2007

ROGUE

2008-06-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

Ah! The wind is so perfect,
Let me try to sail away.
The waves are so gentle,
It makes me want to sleep.
I rest my eyes over the horizon
Watching as the sun’s rays glow.
*sigh*
Sunset is almost over
Yet I am not home.
*tsk*
Let me take more time
And feel the twilight breeze.
*inhales deeply*
Anyway, they’ll come
And look for me.
It’s been hours that passed
I still enjoy the ocean’s zephyr.
Gust of coldness
But wait!
Too much cold, I feel.
Stop! It’s enough
I cannot feel anything.
I paddle hard
To sail back home
Lubb… dubb…
Lubb… dubb…
Lubb… dubb…
Lubb… dubb…
My chest seems to be heavy
Heavy as my sail pushes
Through the waves.
Nightfall came
And the moon is not there
Not there to give my path a light
Burrrr…
Lubb…
Dubb…
Lubb…
Dubb…
My heart pumps so slow
Yet harded
Just like the waves that is in rage
*breaths deeply*
The wind is so fierce
It makes me want to rest
Rest peacefully and forever.

6/5/2007

My Angel

2008-06-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

In the arms of my angel

I close my eyes

The warmth of your embrace

The heat of your breath

The hum of your delicate voice

That humbly took away

My sorrow and gladness…

In the arms of my angel

I softly speak…

Uttering no words

That could hurt her feelings.

Calmly I caress her fragile face.

In the arms of my angel

My sorrow flew

And my gladness left

Leaving me with nothing

But frozen emotions.

6/3/2007

Hometown Chances

2008-06-15T10:42:00.002-07:00

It was like yesterday
First days of summer
I left home and someone.
Few days of visit
My life played fast-forward.
I consider things to take place
But not this hastily.
Every move was like a rush
So, I took the chances
Seeing if it would work out
Few seven-days passed
It was smooth sailing
No hassles and worries
Petty fights are elsewhere.
Few seven-days more
Vagueness filled my chances.
The odds of working things out
I, myself jeopardized.
Are there hope,
For my so-called “chances”?
I guess there’s not
She never even gave me
That chance…

6/3/2007

Nada Surf

2008-06-15T10:42:00.001-07:00

“Always love”

According to Nada Surf

“And hate will get you every time”

As what they say

What if hate already got me

That is always gonna be

To hate or to love

Don’t know which I should have

2008-06-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today, tonight, the second day
Midmonth of the year
Nothing but an ordinary day
Just the rain that pours hard.

Thirty-one days I ago
And another thirty days back
There was something on this day
Let me think…

…

Ah! Let me think again

…

Give me another minute

…

Wait…
I cannot remember a thing
I guess there was nothing
Nothing special about this day

…

How I wish I could remember
Too bad I can’t

6/3/2007

TV Screen

2008-06-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

Colored rectangles on the TV screen
Silence is everywhere and slowly it’s killing me
I don’t wanna feel blue tonight
I don’t wanna be alone
My pen and paper is the only thing that’s with me now

Oh silence, it kills me
I want to hear your laughter
I wanted to listen to your stories
I want to tease your jokes
All I want to do is to be with you

You’re just like a TV screen
You can only see what’s in front of you
You never tried to explore what makes it work
I salute you for being so numb
Without your voice, everything’s so empty

Oh silence, it kills me
I want to hear your laughter
I wanted to listen to your stories
I want to tease your jokes
All I want to do is to be with you

You always see me ‘coz I’m always there
But you never see what I have for you
Maybe forever I’ll be what I am to you
Forever I’ll just be your friend
Just a friend.

5/29/2007

Cycle

2008-06-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

I fell in-love but I never really did love
I said “I Love You” a hundred times
but it was just a thought
I told you that I cared for you
and that’s all about it
I like you and that’s it
nothing more, nothing less

I’ve been here before
And I never thought that
it would get this serious
I know it’s easy to run
to the exit door
But I never knew the way
And here I am now
stuck and nowhere to go
Confused and puzzled
by the maze of love

I fell in love but now this is for real
I said “I Love You”
this time I mean it
I told you that I cared for you
but that’s not all that matters
I like you the day I met you
and the days that followed
And there’s something more
but nothing less… I love you

5/29/2007

2008-06-15T10:35:00.001-07:00

One breath I release a sigh
One breath I waited for you to come by
One breath the clock ticks another second
One breath I long for the caress of your hand
One breath the night turns into day
One breath I smell your scent like the flowers of May
One breath there goes my shooting star
One breath I wish to see you even from a far
One breath and I knew that you’re the only one that I miss
One final breath and I give you my final kiss.

5/29/2007

Dark Hope

2008-06-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

In the stillness of the night,
In the dark corner of my heart
I lay down to die
And waited for that last sigh.

In the stillness of the night
Dark clouds I see above
I waited at the end of the line
To take this last breathe of mine.

In the stillness of the night
Bright stars are nowhere to be found
I seek but I failed
And my sight has reached its bound.

In the stillness of the night
Reminiscing my tragic life
Happy ending it could have been
If you hadn’t just stop believing.

In the stillness of the night
I lie awake in the dark corner of my heart
Dazzled memories in my mind
Brought hope that you would be mine.

5/28/2007

Words and Phrases

2008-06-15T10:31:00.002-07:00

Goodbye for me always comes first
before uttering the phrase “I love you”
Hate accompanies me when you didn’t say
that you love me but in fact you did.
I don’t wanna see you was always there
when I’m mad at you for hurting me
and loving me at the same time.
Curse was what I always do
when we get back together and
parted our ways
I’m sorry is already a cliché in your ear
every time I felt bad for hurting you.
I’m not over you is what I feel right now
and haven’t moved on yet.
And I Love You is what I’m saying to you
right now.

5/24/2007

Detour

2008-06-15T10:31:00.001-07:00

I was there, standing in front visible for everyone.

I scream at the top of my lungs so everybody could hear.

I dress differently so everyone could notice.

I became wasted so everybody would care.

I went away so everyone would find me.

I was lost… nowhere to go…

I found a way back home…

Nobody was there… everyone was out searching…

And I found you still sitting there…

You never saw me…

Heard me…

Noticed me…

Cared for me…

Looked for me…

Yet, you waited

And you know that I could still find my way back home.

If only

2008-06-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

The clouds above is so dark,

as well as my heart.

The river flows in a never-ending way,

and so are my tears.

The birds can high fly, faraway,

and so is my wish.

The rocks are hard and can feel no pain,

and but I am not.

How I wish I could close my eyes forever,

and never see the beauty of your face.

How I wish I could run as fast as the river,

so I could get away from your truthful lies.

How I wish I could fly away,

so that I can feel freedom from your love.

How I wish I could feel no pain,

And stop myself from bleeding.

4/8/2007

Life is nothing but tragedy

2008-06-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

In everyday that we live, a day will never end without hurting us. We woke up in the morning wearing that smile in your face, and lying on bed at night reflecting on the things that we have done, and realized that we should have not done it.

Regret is always waiting in line to happen. Every moment that we reflect, we always regret on some things. Often times we never noticed it because we really do not understand what regret is. There is these “what ifs” in our lives. It’s human nature to ask those “what ifs”. But still, it hurts when we utter those “what ifs”.

Happily ever after passes only in our lives once. When we turn the next page of our fairy tales, it is but a tragedy. It is just like saying “we only live once”. One way or another, when we left happy, you left someone gloomy. The emotion that certain person felt is nothing but tragedy. A sad ending for his day.

3/19/2007